I've been home from Basic Military Training now for a month and a half. I can't believe how fast time is going. It's crazy that it's already the middle of summer and I'll be heading off to my second round of training at tech school in just a little over two months. Part of me is excited for that next adventure. Part of me is nervous. And this post will explain why. I'm about to give you a candid look into my thoughts about re-joining the real world after my time spent at BMT. Everyone handles the successes and stresses of BMT differently... this is a look into how I'm handling life at the moment.
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Coming home—reintegration as the military calls it—has actually been a lot harder than I ever thought possible. Chalk it up to the BMT version of "Stockholm Syndrome" (where the hostage begins to identify and/or bond with their captor... in BMT it's like our bond with our MTI's, ha!)—but some days I just want to go back. Man, life there was so... simple. There was always a routine. There was always a certain way to do things. There was always something to do, somewhere to go, some rule to follow. Structure. And sure, there was drama... but it was drama that I sat back and had no part of, and I knew that I would be away from it within a matter of weeks.
After coming home, it's been mentally challenging for me to get back to life-as-I-know-it. To become a civilian again. My civilian job—working in the fundraising office of our local non-profit hospital—is great. I'm adjusting back there just fine, and if not better and more on-task than before. It's at home where I'm realizing my struggles. No longer are there 46 other trainees who I live/sleep/shower with—now it's only my poor husband who is feeling the brunt of my post-BMT stress management. Stress management... I think that's the key word there. I haven't found a good outlet for my stress (and in fact, I don't even know why I'm feeling any at all... life is truly easy these days). I've been working out 7-days a week, trying to channel my anxiety into beads of sweat that I can wipe off my forehead without a care—but it just hasn't been that easy.
In fact, I'm actually embarrassed to admit it, but I've just been so sad lately. Maybe it's a slight version of the "post BMT blues"—I was so excited for it to come, and now that it's gone, I feel an empty void there. I think I just picked up a bit of emotional baggage while at BMT and I'm having a hard time letting it go. It's turning me into a "little ball of stress," and I want nothing more than to be that carefree, low-maintenance person again. I know I can get back to that... it's just going to take some time.
I've finally arrived at the point where I want to hang out with people again, where I have started doing my nails and having fun with my makeup, and where I'm beginning to feel like a civilian... finally. While at BMT and even shortly after returning home, I didn't think I had changed at all. Now that a bit of time has elapsed and I can look back over the last several weeks, I can see just how much I changed, and how much more changing I'd like to do.
BMT was an amazing experience. I gained so much and learned so much about myself. I have big, big dreams ahead in my Air National Guard career and can't wait to move forward. I am looking forward to finishing this soul-searching and re-integration, though. Sometimes I wonder how different my mental process had been if I'd have gone straight through to tech school instead of coming home for a 4-month break. I just sort of feel like I'm in a state of limbo, and my mental thought process seems to be reflecting that. I'm promising myself now that I won't let myself experience a second round of this after returning from tech school (hence why I've felt nervous about leaving for it). In fact, I've found so much of a comfort from writing out my struggles in the past, so I'm hoping this journaling of my thoughts will help me move past what's been holding me down—me, myself and I.
In so many letters home, I swore up and down that I would never take my husband, my home or my civilian life for granted again. It's amazing to see how easy it is to forget those promises when you get back in the swing of things. This is my vow to move forward. Right now. To get back up on my feet, brush off the past, and move forward—as a civilian and Airman—ready to conquer whatever challenges lie ahead. After all, wasn't it Dorothy who said, "There's no place like home?" She's right. There's no place like home. It's time to get myself back to it.
19 comments:
:)
What is truly important here, is that you realized it.. and you are doing something about it.
To move forward.. To move upward...
You are so strong, and so motivated... You will get all the stress under control, it just takes time.
My thoughts are with you...
I think it's normal to be a little blue after something so big ends, but you're still going forward and you have your family and your wonderful husband to be there for you! It's all a time process and I'm sure you'll come out on top, you're a smart and strong lady!
It's like coming back from camp and coming back to reality. I'm sorry you're in "limbo" but at least you are looking forward to the future :)
xoxo
Allison over at Allison's Eye
I love your honesty - thank you for sharing! It's hard to change your feelings and emotions, even when you can see the reality. I'll be praying for you - and for your husband as he gets to stand along side you!
Yes! That's it!!! Thank you. I feel like there's so much more to write, but only so much that I can write out loud, you know? :)
Thank goodness for them... truly couldn't do it without their support. My next goal is to be nicer to them through it all!
Thanks Allison. So glad to see you understand. I just wish I didn't hold it all in as tight as I do. I'm working on it, promise :)
Thank you, Tara. Prayer is the #1 thing I can use right now. More than anything, seriously. Thank you!
I've never experienced anything like this, but I imagine how difficult transitioning it must be. I'll be praying for you as you're working through all this!
After having been in this business for a while, I can tell you that it's completely, 100% normal and expected to feel weird and uncomfortable when connections that were effectively severed by an experience that was both stressful and routinized are suddenly reattached. It's like your body is trying to cope with having all your old feelings hooked back up to it, when you got used to the relative silence of the disconnect. It feels like that whether you're coming back from a couple days of training or whether you're coming back from a deployment.
The good thing is that it DOES pass. It's like getting circulation back in your leg after it's fallen asleep. It tingles and feels unpleasant, but we humans are remarkably resilient creatures. Eventually you fall back into your old habits and life goes on, and it almost makes you sad that you bounce back that easily.
Thanks Allison! That means more to me than you know :)
KC, thank you SO MUCH. I needed to hear this from someone who's been through it. I've shared my thoughts with another friend, and she also felt the same way after coming home from BMT and her most recent deployment to Afghanistan. Gosh, I guess I just feel like a goober--like, WHY is it bothering me that much? But it's so great to know I'm not alone. Prayer has helped a lot so far, and having such a wonderful support group through my husband, family and friends out at the base. It's been great on that end :) Plus, journaling this stuff really does help. Thank you again for your perspective and for sharing... so good to know I'm not alone!
My thoughts are with you. I too have not experienced this but am glad there are others that have and are able to share their experience with you. I'm glad to hear you're working on it though! God Bless!
PS I think this a good verse to remind us, myself included, where we really belong in the grand scheme of things, hope it helps: 2 Corinthians 5
Sarah, thank you SO MUCH!! Oh my gosh, dying to your old life... why didn't I see it like that before! You're so right and I'm so happy you shared that with me :) Thank you so much, sister!! :)
I completely understand how you feel. I've been working hard ever since I got home from basic and AIT to do as much active duty stuff as I can. It's just a good life. I just recently decided to join the ROTC program and my school and make a real career out of it, I love it so much! I hope that your transition is smooth and you start to get used to being "civilized"
Thank you very much Dr Azeez Chibuzo,I never thought my husband could come back to me as his wife again after he broke up with me and left to settle down with another woman who never Knew how we both suffered together in New york but thank God today i was lucky to see this great spell caster on a site after seeing a lots of testimony and good work he have done in the lives of people helping them to get their ex,husbands and renewing their relationship i was convinced and i contacted him and just in 3 days after the spell was caste my husband came looking for me and right now we are together again and he is taking care of me and the little kids as his responsibilities and family.I advice today if you are looking for a real and powerful spell caster you can count on just know that Dr Azeez Chibuzo is a very powerful and a genuine spell caster here is his email(healingstemple@live.com)
That's so awesome, Katie. Good for you. I've heard nothing but good things about ROTC programs. I also just got involved in Honor Guard to help me get back into it :) Thanks again!
I've never shared this experience... but I'm glad I got to read your very honest and emotional post. Hope you're well -- and cheers to the future, and moving forward :)
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