I am a liar and creator of evil thoughts. It's true. And the only person I hurt is myself.
For completely unfounded reasons, I create thoughts and ideas in my head about infidelity, distrust, suspicion, doubt. Nothing has ever been done to me that would substantiate a reason for these thoughts—though my own actions and hurt I've caused others is what I believe to be the primary reason for it.
It's sad. These thoughts—and often terrifying nightmares that wake me up in tears and cold sweats—are debilitating. They come on at a moment's notice, ruining my kind and carefree spirit. They send me into panic mode, creating the desire to snoop and see if there's anything underneath the surface that could be going on without my knowledge. It's so sad. I have distrust and it's so incredibly unfounded.
I get emotional as I write this. It's something that as I write, I want to hit "delete" and push under the rug—it's there but I don't want anyone else to see it. It's embarrassing. As a woman of faith, I shouldn't struggle with these things, I shouldn't let myself be so vulnerable. My mind—a filthy place—is so cluttered with these horrible thoughts, and there's no reason for it. I know these thoughts don't come from a good place. They're insecurities that I struggle with often—even today as I type this.
As often as I've debated putting this insecurity out there and broadcasting it to the entire internet, I suppose I have a hopeful intention with it. So often, I've blogged about my troubles in the past. My trichotillomania... that only got better after I wrote it all down and put myself out there—so I'm crossing my fingers and saying my prayers that bringing this insecurity out from it's hiding spot will help me in the long run. I'm not weak. I'm not helpless. And I'm tired of letting these destructive thoughts control me and make me feel weak and helpless.
I've made so many decisions lately, like joining the Air National Guard, where I know I'll put myself in an emotionally vulnerable spot and won't be able to see Daniel for several months while I'm away at training—and the hope is that it will make a stronger person. He is an amazing man, and I'm not giving him the credit, respect or honor he deserves.
So there it is. The lies I tell myself. The fear of it happening to me. The biggest insecurities that get me down and crush my spirit day after day.
Not anymore.
50 comments:
We all have insecurities and do things that are self destructing. I struggle {or as I like to say fight} with anxiety at times to the point where I have trouble sleeping for long periods of time. I replay conversations and situations in my head over and over again for months and sometimes years later cringing every time. It holds me back from doing things I know I'd enjoy and especially making phone calls and keeping in touch with people I care about. I HATE talking on the phone to anyone other than my immediate family and Sean. It gives me anxiety just thinking about it! So, know you're not alone and that we all struggle with our own insecurities that in our head we know are unfounded/dumb but that we can't quite keep away. All we can do is keep on fighting it. Love you! *hugs*
Girl, give yourself a break. We all go through periods of worry. I have absolutely not a drop of reason in my being to worry about infidelity, yet I hear countless stories from people who didn't think it would happen to them so it remains deep down inside me as a fear. It's human nature, not your brain being an evil, dirty place. You're challenging yourself and your relationship by going away to basic training, and I believe that it's such a necessary step to take for every couple to be apart, to learn how to communicate in new ways, to build that trust and understanding. You will come back stronger and more confident in your abilities to take on new things, and in your love for Daniel. Just know that you're stronger than you think and you'll get through whatever comes your way. Look at what you've overcome so far! I'm sure your church community is very supportive, but look inside yourself for that strength once and a while, and you might be surprised by what you find.
I can be the same way!! It's so stressful & wears me out! I hate it!
You are not alone! It's the danger of loving something so much that you understand just what it would do to you to lose it. It's like the first time you realize your own mortality - I remember feeling invincible through most of my twenties until suddenly I was hit with a blinding realization that I wasn't immortal, that this could end. The same with my marriage - my husband is the most steadfast and honest guy I know, and yet I still get panicked every once in a while that something will happen, that something will come into our lives to make it end, and that can be utterly debilitating until it's conquered. Not shoved out of the way, but conquered. I so admire you for working through conquering those insecurities when so many of us are just fine keeping them buried.
You are so brave in sharing what many of us (I included) torment (literally) ourselves with! It can be so hard to get out of that place and the truth is that we NEED to. All it ever does is draw us farther away from God. I have learned that I need to continually stay engaged in the word (pray pray pray, my own study of the word, group studies, pray as a couple, etc). It strengthens me to know that my husband is doing his best to serve God and in turn serving us as a family (of just me and him for now). I also have to remind myself that he is just as imperfect as am I. We actually went to a bible study last night that convicted me in those same very thoughts you have. I am often convicted but it seems so easy to fall back into bad thoughts. If you give the devil an inch he will certainly take a mile, and man do I know it's true. It's a battle, and it will continue to be but there is assurance in that the Good Lord is on OUR side, he is guiding us and placing things in our life to strengthen because he knows we can handle it (even though it doesn't feel that way). I will think of you and pray for you in the same prayers I ask for myself! Stay strong. -Sisters in Battle
We all have those insecurities. We all destroy ourselves with these poisonous thoughts, but all we have to do is keep going. Fight it and trust that we are better than that. That our thoughts are just thoughts, nothing more, that they aren't true. Trust what the people around you say, trust in God, if nothing else.
You'll be okay, Aunie! You're so strong and kind, you'll get through this. :)
You're def not the only one dear. We all have insecurities and doubts in our mind and those that tell you they don't are the liars. It's ok! The truth is we all just want everything to be ok and it will. You just have to have faith in yourself, your relationship and all us bloggy friends! We'll help you friend!
I had a great big, drawn out response to this, but it boils down to two things: You are so, so brave for writing about this and putting yourself out there - I admire your courage. And I will be praying for you because I completely understand where you're coming from. You aren't alone (sometimes, that's really what we need to know, isn't it?).
You are so not the only one. I am sure that you will over come this and be a much better person at the end.
Sydney, you're the best. I had no idea about your phone insecurities... I'll make a point to always text you, ok? :) Thank you so much for being a friend. I truly appreciate you!
I think you're right. And I appreciate every word. I think the hardest thing for me is that I always said, "I'd NEVER be the kind of person who could do that to another person," and look at me? Blantant offender, I hate admitting it. So embarrassing, and devastating to both sides.
Your perspective with being in a relationship is so helpful. I really look up to the distance that you and Jeff spent apart for all that time! And I think you're right, I--as in ME--I am strong. I am brave. I am a good person. Thank you, Zoë.
It really does. It exhausts me when I get in those moods. So troublesome... and worth fighting back against!
Thanks KC. I have talked to very, very few people about this insecurity of mine. And all of a sudden this morning (in the shower, of all places... isn't that where we think best?) I realized I was ready to talk about it. And I'm so glad I did. The support from my friends & people like you has been so uplifting. Thank you!
Thank you so much, Hannah! I really appreciate that. And you're right, it's not just a switch I can turn on and off in my brain. It's going to take time for me to realize that I need to trust in the Lord first and foremost, and then that will help me build my trust for others. Thank you so much, Hannah. My heart is open... each day even a little more :)
Thank you so much, Shannon! Well, and the good thing is, I'll only be gone for about 4-months total. That's do-able, right? 8.5 weeks for basic training and 6-weeks for tech school. I know I can do that! And I'm looking forward to seeing then new person that comes home after it :)
Thank you so much, Sarah! I love the point you made, our husbands are human and imperfect just like we are! They may make mistakes now and again, but that's why it's so important to put our full trust in God, not another person :) I think that's one of the biggest reasons to what makes a marriage strongest! A foundation in Him. :) Thank you so much for your prayers... we can do this together, girl!
Thanks so much, Emilie! That's what I always tell myself when I wake up after a nightmare like that, "It isn't true! It isn't true!" Isn't it scary how real dreams can be? It's terrifying sometimes. But you're right, it's not real. Thank you so much for again ingraining that in my head!
Thanks so much, Cait! I appreciate your open ears & support!
Yes, to be honest. It's oddly refreshing to know that I'm not the only one with these "crazy" thoughts. I figured that half the people who read my post today would think I'm literally crazy, and the other half would know exactly where I was coming from. So thank you so much for your kind words & encouragement. I appreciate you, Raeven. :)
Me too! That's what I'm talking about. Thanks Cody!
Thank you for this. I struggle with the same insecurities and doubts. I've been a fool that's fallen into the snooping and ridiculous thoughts many times. But the line you posted: "...I am not giving him the credit, respect or honor he deserves." ... I've never thought about it that way. And you are %100 right. Thank you for giving me a new perspective and a corrected thinking in a way to handle these evil thoughts. I love your posts and the honest heart you show with them. I hope you'll still be able to post when you're in training!
I totally understand where you are coming from. I have bad thoughts all of the time. My husband is the nicest, most trustworthy person you could ever meet but I work up scenarios in my head (or in my dreams). You are very brave to put this out there! Just know that you are not alone!
Your welcome. =]
See that is the difference between you and me, I hit delete!
xx
Kelly
Sparkles and Shoes
I am so proud of you, I have been praying over this for a long time and continue too... I will email you next week, my lovely friend!
We all have "flaws" and sins that we struggle with- for me it is jealousy. Just know that you are not the only one going through these things and it is always better to get it out there and to have a support group than to try to deal with it yourself. <3
Makeover With Aspen
I have struggled with this too...and not everyone understands. But I have found that more women understand than I thought would. The biggest things that have helped me is remembering that Satan is the Father of lies and that I can pray for help against those lies. Also, that because I am married to a man that loves Jesus, I need to trust him, but more so, I need to trust God with him. And trust that even if my worst fears did come true (which they probably won't) then God will be enough to carry me through. Finally, even if my husband's heart were to be headed a wrong direction, only God can change hearts, so the best thing I can do is pray and trust Him. I didn't mean to make this so long or sound preachy. Just wanted to share what God is slowly teaching me through this. <3 Praying for you, sister!
Alesha <3
Praying for you! It is so brave for you to post this! God will continue to protect you throughout all the hardships in life. Keep strong in your faith and God will see you through!
Oh, Aunie. You are so great and brave to share your fears and struggles and I love you for that. I will be praying for you, sweet lady. The first line you wrote, this: "I am a liar and creator of evil thoughts. It's true. And the only person I hurt is myself" really stuck out to me. I am a liar, it is probably the sin I struggle with the most. I've always done it mainly to protect myself from other people and what they would think of me but all it has ever done and continues to do is just be me hurting myself. I lie all the time. I say that I'm not good enough. That this won't happen and that won't happen. That I am not good at anything. That no one will like me. That no one will love me. That I am not pretty. That I am a failure. This and that about me or that I've said is no good. Lies upon lies upon lies. I am embarrassed at things in my life and don't like who I am, don't like my personality and oh so many things and I just tell myself so many lies. It is extremely self-destructive. I rarely let people in, if ever. To be honest, my blog friends and followers know more about me than those in my rl do. It just seems like judgment, teasing and hurt are more likely and more painful in person, face to face, than from those in the online world. Believing and saying these horrible things about myself is something I really struggle with. I used to be way worse, oh if you only could see the Katie I was just a couple years ago!, but slowly I got a little bit better and even more so lately and it is all because of Jesus because I was so broken and am still quite broken, that I know God is the only one who can get me through some days and I am so grateful for his grace. But still, I am anxious, panicked, embarrassed, lonely and overwhelmed most of the time. Because of lies. One of my other blog friends, in an email exchange one time, told me that she believed the Devil was really messing with my security. Making me feel insecure about so many things that really were because of lies I was believing from the enemy. And I think that is probably true for you too. The Devil is going to work in those areas we struggle with the most so that he can try to break us and make us more vulnerable than before. He doesn't want us to be better and move forward and be secure. I think these times are those moments when we really have to be grateful to be women of faith because in these times when our mind is working against us, Faith is possibly the only thing that can pull us through these dark moments. I remember trying to do it on my own a few years ago and being this way without faith just left me totally empty. You can't go through life alone. Anyway! I didn't mean to tell you my whole entire story in this comment and this post is about you, but I wanted to let you know how much that line stuck out to me and how I can relate to evil lies. You are a super strong woman and I admire you for being able to be open and vulnerable with us. We are all here for you and want you to get through this. I will be praying for you, and honestly mean that. I pray that Jesus will quiet your soul and mind and that you won't believe the lies anymore. If you ever need anything, always an email away!
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Thank you for opening up to us in such a raw way. You are not alone. I am a worrier and oftentimes I create thoughts in my head about things that don't exist. Mine are mainly distrust in others - acquaintances, friends even... deciding that they don't like me. It actually makes me act differently and I end up pushing others away because of it. You're so not alone in this and I'm glad you didn't delete the post.
Rachel, thank you so much. I never saw it that way either until doing a lot of research about what the Bible says & honoring your husband. It's such a good perspective, and I try so hard to remember it!
And the good news? I won't be leaving for training for a bit. I won't be able to post for a least 8-weeks of it, but I'll be back afterward... promise. I'll have lots of good stories!
Thank you so much, Amy. Maybe it's just what I've seen, but women with the nicest & friendliest husbands tend to have these feelings often. It's almost as though we hold them with such high regard and worry that it might be the one place they would mess up... I'm so glad I'm not alone. Thanks for helping me (and letting me help you!) with keeping our thoughts positive!
That's OK, too! Sometimes I tend to put just a little too much out on the internet, instead of just reserving it for Daniel and myself. I think sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad. At least you have a level head about it! :)
I hate that feeling. I hate how it makes me feel and I hate those moments where I know he has earned and deserves my trust but sometimes I just can't give it. It is so frustrating but one of my biggest insecurities is being left and being all alone.
You're awesome, Krysten. I feel like everytime someone leaves be a blog comment, that's like a virtual hug. So I appreciate every single one I can get. I guess through this whole thing, the biggest thing I've realized is I'm not the only one who does this. We women need to rally together to combat these awful thoughts ;) Thinking of you today!
I'm looking forward to it. Thanks so much, Colleen.
Agreed 100%. Thanks so much, Aspen! The support group is where it's at.
No no no, not too long or preachy at all. It's perfect, Alesha. Thank you. You're so right, God's the only one who can change our hearts to get those negative feelings away. God's the ONLY one who can steer our husbands in the right direction. And He's the ONLY one who can help us through it if it does happen. God is so merciful and great. Thanks so much for sharing His love with me!
Thank you so much... He is so faithful, thanks for your wonderful comment!
Katie, you are so wonderful. You must do one thing for me, never EVER apologize again for leaving me a long comment, or one that's about "you" when I write a post about "me!" Deal? :)
Here's the thing. I write my heart out and tell my story not so that I can get "Oh, it will be OK!" or "You'll make it" or "Lift your head up," kinds of comments. I already know that stuff already, you know? I blog it out and leave my comments open so that I can learn more about YOU! These kinds of posts are in an effort to put out there something I struggle with, and to help reassure people that they are not alone in their struggles either. So the fact that you did tell me your story, THANK YOU. It is amazing to get to know more about you. It really is.
Speaking of that, I never ever expected to hear you say some of the things you lie to yourself about. I think you are a beautiful, amazing, energetic, wonderful, talented, friendly person. You go out of your way to help bring others up (especially me!) every single day. I am so sad to hear that you are down on yourself... but want to know something? I do it, too. I know I have so many things going for me, but some days, I also tell myself that I'm not pretty enough, fast enough, fit enough, smart enough, take pretty enough pictures... you know the drill! We are killing ourselves... why do we do it? I also believe what your friend said. The Devil intends to find our weaknesses and exploit them as much as he can. He doesn't want us to be happy or loved or successful, and once he finds something he can tear us apart with, he will do all he can to destroy us. Your comment (and my post, I suppose) shows me that we are strong and fighting him each day. It's amazing what we can do with God on our side!
I want you to know I appreciate you so much. Now, this is a terribly long comment back and YOU'RE WELCOME. No apologies here. I consider you a friend and appreciate every word you write. Thank you for being there for me. I'm here for you, too!
Thank you, Niki! You know, growing up, I didn't have a lot of girlfriends. At all. Maybe one or two really good ones. Ever. I always told myself that I wasn't good enough to be part of their group, or that they just fake-liked me. It was so sad. I ruined so many chances at true friendship because I closed myself off to them. I'm going to work on this (and I bet you do it, too) to not judge people or jump to conclusions without seeking their true friendship first. After all, if you trust someone from the get-go and never end up getting hurt, only good can come from that, right? Thank you so much for sharing your struggle with me. We are not alone & I"m thinking of you today!
I'm right there with you, Brittany. Sometimes I find myself wondering what my husband is doing at home while I'm at work (he has every other Monday off), and I create these horrible twisted scenarios in my head of things that aren't even remotely real. And then I embellish them and stew on them, and by the time he picks me up, I'm a suspicious wreck. IT's terrible! Let's both make a conscious effort to keep our thoughts positive and trusting. We can do it, I know it!
Thank you so much for your sweet note, Aunie! I feel like I've been in similar situations, and I agree that sometimes it's best to trust from the beginning, and give people a chance! Love you for this! xo
As I can see from the below comments, you are note alone.... Heck, WE are not alone.
I know that my doubt, fears, and "lies I tell myself" come from past issues...
My fiance (*giggles* I get to call him that now), has never given me any reason to mistrust him.. but there are times where the old evils seep in, and I doubt him... His commitment, his monogamy... I dream up things that happen when we are not together... It's hard, and the fears become very real... They can over power our judgement... The lies, well, they lie so well that we start to believe them.
And then we get angry. Angry over nothing, angry at ourselves, angry at our spouses. Because the lies speak to the BLAME.. and blame loves to GET passed around. You know what I mean?
Then we get quiet, and we hide... because we are not only angry now, but EMBARRASSED....
I have found.. that the quiet is what makes it worse for me. That if I allow the lies to trick me into believing them and then I internalize... shut down.. that it gets worse.
Somehow, I believe God steps in and lights a candle... Showing us where we need to go... Away from the darkness. When these moments happen, I usually spill over with emotion.. and lay it all down for Klay.
I tell him everything.. I tell him how I know it isn't true... I tell him how IRRATIONAL it is.. and then, normally, I cry. He holds me, he assures me and he doesn't judge me. That brings me the rest of the way out of the darkness (with this respect).
Life is a journey, filled with my bumps.... What is most important about the dark points, is how we REACT from them... how we BOUNCE BACK from them... making the next moment... of darkness.. LESS LIKELY.
I'll keep you in my prayers, and thoughts... sending you (and Daniel) good energy.
You're so awesome. I love that candle analogy. It's the light I need to soak in and look to, not the surrounding darkness. I try to be as open about my fears as possible, but sometimes I don't want Daniel to know that I do feel insecure about it... I feel bad. Because it's like admitting my distrust. But I'm getting better about it and we are working on it together. The biggest part is being open with each other, which we have come to be so good at.
Thank you for all your support. I'm so excited for you and your new life... and the TRUST you have. It's beautiful!
I know those kind of insecurities way to well. I hate it and fight against it almost every day. Sometimes i win, but often they are winning too...
It's the biggest reward to strike those insecurities down. We can do it!
But God, while we were still sinners, sent His only begotten Son to die upon the cross, to give us freedom we didn't earn, or deserve. Give yourself grace, Annelise -- guilt does not come from God. Give these thoughts to Jesus, and let Him hold them captive for you.
I'm working so hard on it, Gayle. After writing this post, it was like a huge load was lifted off my chest. It was so helpful to read all the nice and uplifting comments. Thank you so much!
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