The Break Down

Source.

Sometimes you don't realize how thin your rope has worn until it breaks.
Yesterday, my rope broke—and I fell hard.

We were at church.
I had been having a hard time lately (depression—I have a history of it, bad and destructive thoughts, nightmares) and one of my friends suggested the previous week that I tried opening up more, really getting into worship and just letting go.
So yesterday—I let go.
I raised my hands to worship.
As I did, one of the wise women in church went on stage to say a little of what was on her heart.
She spoke about feeling hopeless, being in a situation you can't control, feeling like your prayers aren't being answered, and that if this is you—remember, you're not in charge. God is. And he's there with you no matter what, even when times are hard. She reminded us not to doubt him, that this was part of the plan—a beautiful plan—that God has laid out for our life.

Those simple words—words that I desperately needed—hit me like a ton of bricks... and I lost it. Just like that.
Sobbing, shaking, hyperventilating, totally breaking down—I let it all out.
And it didn't stop.
I cried through the rest of worship, through service, and even for about an hour after service.
I had broken.

It's amazing how we don't realize how deep we've fallen until we hit the ground and realize what we're doing to ourselves.
I was being bitter, fearful, suspicious, and holding offenses that were like chains binding my soul,
bringing negativity with me everywhere I went.
All for nothing. I had nothing to be bitter about, fearful of... I'd been having the craziest, unwarranted nightmares.
It was all a bad, bad spirit that had infiltrated me and wasn't going away.

Yesterday, I let it go.
I gave God those chains that had bound me,
and let him be in charge once more.

Though I broke down in front of everyone,
I wasn't embarrassed. It was cleansing.
I broke the hard shell of myself that had developed on the outside—like a mask—that I was cowering behind.
That mask had been my safety net. My hiding place. The place where I was destroying myself.
I needed to break down. I needed to let it out. To free myself of those burdens.

And let me tell you, today I am refreshed.
I am happy.
I am new.

I feel like I'm seeing the world through open eyes again.
And it's clearer and more beautiful than ever before.

PS / / Thank you to all the friends who have prayed for me lately, and a big thank you to those of you who gave me a little back rub, prayer, or comforting touch yesterday while I was breaking down. You really helped soothe the pain and your prayers truly helped. Thank you.